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Okay, don’t distract me, I’ve got to get this right. I’ve just discovered an item on eBay about seven minutes ago and I now realize that this, and this alone, will bring me true happiness. It comes complete with its original packing, so we’re gonna have to fight some nerds for it. Fortunately, I have a tried and tested trick up my sleeve, which is basically, putting a moderately strong, but more importantly, unexpected bid two seconds before the listing ends. Um, I call this trick: ‘The Sneaky Douchebag.’ And, as a means of securing victory, we’re doubling our chances with another computer, and a slightly higher bid. Uh, just in case there are any other sneaky douchebags out there. Okay, shut up, now it’s on. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, place bid. Okay, I think- we- did we-? Oh, you’ve got to be freaking kidding me. Screw you, British Telecom, you substandard scheißes! Here, whatever lazy technician dropped the ball on this one, I’m going to hunt you down, do you hear me? I’m going to HUNT YOU D- Oh, we won. Heh. Yay! What a freaking beauty. ‘But what does it do?’ I hear you ask. Well I mean- ‘What doesn’t it do?’ is, if anything, more appropriate, ’cause it does so many thing… Well, you know, I will actually just tell you what it does because it makes much more sense. Twenty-seven glorious chord-triggering buttons, a smooth, shimmering, strum plate, and a saucy selection of accompanying drum beats, including foxtrot! So, what are you waiting for, Dabchick, go ahead, stick eight triple-As up her grundle and let’s see what she sounds like. Well, way ahead of you. Behold. Ahm, behold. Beho- Oh my God! What a piece of crap. Upon inspecting the futuristic innards, two issues became apparent. The first was a rusty battery spring, that just needs a little sanding down. Uh, the second was a crack in the solder, I mean, feasibly could have been functioning well enough when the seller listed the item, so, you know, one could give them the benefit of the doubt on this one. I mean, I’m not going to, but you can, if you want. Okay, feast your ears on this. *omnichord plays something* Ooh, it’s alive. eheh IT’S ALIVE!! AHAHAHA AHAHAHA Oh, look, we’ve got a cheeky little output jack too. Let’s put a leash on this puppy! Ok, ahm, give me an A minor. *A minor ensues* Okay, right, so, let’s start things- let’s go with, um… Let’s have some slightly obscure MJ. Let’s go. And 3, 4. It feels like a fire, burns in my heart, every single moment that we spend apart. Well, I need you around, for every day to start. I haven’t left you alooone. Hold that note, just for a second, I’m gonna- I’m gonna pull up here. I just figured I might be getting in the way of your right hand there, buddy-boy. There’s something about you, it’s there in your eyes. Everything I’m looking for, I seem to find. All this time away, is killing me inside. I need your love in my life. Okay, let’s kick up that tempo. Alrighty, get that pedal in on the action. And, foxtrot! Okay, this track needs more Yiddish! es iz tsu mir gekumen a kuzine, sheyn vi gold iz zi geven, di grine. di bekelekh vi royte pomerantsn, fiselekh vos betn zikh tsum tantsn. di bekelekh vi royte pomerantsn, fiselekh vos betn zikh tsum tantsn. Nice. That was fun, I th- Okay, calm down. Okay, you’re FLIPPING RUINING IT NOW.


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